ACT ONE SCENE A INT. WILL'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON (D-1) (GRACE, LEO, WILL, JACK, KAREN) GRACE AND LEO ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. LEO IS FLIPPING THROUGH CHANNELS ON TV AND GRACE IS READING THE NEWSPAPER. WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN WASHING DISHES. GRACE The Antique Show is coming to Long Island! Over 20,000 collectibles and nic-naks. It's next week. Oh we have to go. GRACE TURNS TO LEO, WHO STAYS FOCUSED ON THE TV BUT POINTS TO WILL. GRACE THEN TURNS TO WILL, WHO IS PUTTING AWAY HIS PIZZA-SHAPED DISHES. GRACE (CONT'D) Will? WILL Sure. So long as you don't gorge yourself with Martha Stewart cookie samplers. You remember what happened last time. JACK AND KAREN OPEN THE DOOR AND WALK IN WITH BIG SMILES ON THEIR FACES. JACK PRANCES THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM DOING A JAZZY DANCE ROUTINE. GRACE What are you two so happy about? WILL Yeah. Last time you two were this giddy is when you found the key to Leo's prescription drawer. JACK IS FINISHING HIS NUMBER. JACK I just gave a stunning performance at the Rockette auditions. WILL What, was the casting call for a tall, flat-chested diva-queen with broad shoulders and an attitude. JACK Actually, yes. But I stuck out nonetheless. I hate to brag, but I was fabu. KAREN He really was. I sat in the back with a bottle of absinthe and watched the fairy dance his pretty little wig off. GRACE So you impressed the director? JACK (CROSSING HIS FINGERS) He said he'd call me. (THEN) Oh hey, did you hear they're taping the "New Newlywed Show" in New York? WILL Actually, I think I "new" that. GRACE Oh God. Won't that show die already? They always have these pathetically over-confident couples who have no clue who they married. JACK The contestants are pretty lame. JACK SMILES AND TURNS TO KAREN. KAREN Oh yeah, we signed you and Leo to be on the show Friday. JACK AND KAREN ARE EXCITED. GRACE What? How could you? KAREN Yeah, who better than our little Jewly weds? GRACE I - I can't... I'm getting my hair done all day Friday. KAREN Honey, it would take a week to fix that carrot top. LEO Actually, I really can't, I'm on call Friday. JACK Oh well, never mind, it's probably for the best. I doubt they could have won the prize, (NOW SHOUTING TO GRACE) a cruise around the world! GRACE'S JAW DROPS. GRACE Leo, you're calling in sick. FADE OUT. ACT ONE SCENE B INT. GRACE'S APARTMENT - NEXT DAY (D-1) (GRACE, LEO) GRACE HAS THE HOME VERSION OF "THE NEWLYWED GAME" OUT, AND IS READING A CARD TO LEO. GRACE What color would the door on our dream house be painted? LEO Paisley? GRACE Excuse me? LEO I don't know, something flowery, isn't that what you like? GRACE Eggshell, Leo. Eggshell. (BEAT) My mother's maiden name? LEO IS SILENT. GRACE (CONT'D) Finklestein! Did you not even read the bio I made for you? Oh my God, we're not ready. This is going to be a disaster. LEO So let's not go. GRACE I already told everyone to watch us. We have to win. The world will envy Grace Finklestein Adler Marcus! CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE C INT. GYM - SAME DAY (D-1) (WILL, ANGELINA) WILL IS ON THE TREADMILL, WHEN ANGELINA WALKS UP. ANGELINA Hey Will. WILL I'm still mad at you. ANGELINA About the Billy thing? I'm sorry, I thought you two would have been perfect for each other. WILL STEPS OFF THE TREADMILL. WILL He answered his door wearing buttless chaps and a cowboy hat. (DEEP COWBOY VOICE) "Here to tame the wild Bill Heasly?" WILL QUIVERS AT THE MEMORY. ANGELINA Will, I wanted to ask you something. There's this thing tomorrow - WILL No. I don't care how cute your cousin looks in his bar mitzvah picture. ANGELINA My parents are in town tomorrow for a dinner party. I'd like you to come along as my date. WILL What? Why don't you take your girlfriend? ANGELINA Will, I need you to be my boyfriend. WILL (shakes his head, and sighs) What is it about women being attracted to this body. ANGELINA My parents don't know I'm gay. They're dying to see my supposed boyfriend of two years. WILL What? You still haven't come out to them? ANGELINA I just need a straight guy to make a quick cameo, stuff his face with crab cake, and leave. WILL GRABS A 20-POUND WEIGHT AT STARTS CURLING. WILL No. It's deceitful. You shouldn't pretend to be someone you're not. AS A CUTE GUY WALKS BY, WILL SWITCHES TO A 40-POUND WEIGHT, STICKS HIS CHEST OUT, AND CURLS FASTER. WILL (CONT'D) Besides I can't. I have a date. ANGELINA LOOKS AT WILL. WILL (CONT'D) I could have a date! ANGELINA Reorganizing your sock drawer? When you could be with me meeting some of the rich, handsome, and famous? WILL What, instead of my usual poor, lonesome, and shameless? (BEAT) Eh, the socks can wait. CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE D INT. GRACE & LEO'S APARTMENT (D-1) (GRACE, LEO) LEO IS ON THE COUCH. GRACE IS STANDING, DRILLING LEO. LEO Tom Selleck? GRACE No. LEO Sean Connery? GRACE No! LEO George Michael? GRACE No!! (THEN HITS LEO WITH A PILLOW) If I could have a one-night stand with a celebrity, it would not be George Michael. (AND THEN) Okay, tell me all my past boyfriends in reverse chronological order. LEO I don't know... wasn't there a Billy... and a Michael, or a Jake? GRACE Nice try honey. That was the cast of Melrose Place. LEO C'mon, this is silly, like you could even remember all my ex-girlfriends. GRACE (without hesitation) Becky, Donna, Sharon, Natalie, Jennie B., Jennie D., and Carla. LEO Ha! You forgot Debrah! GRACE You never dated Debrah. The closest you got was her lazy-eyed sister Margret who dumped you the same afternoon when you tried to get a little over-the-sweater action. Don't think I haven't read your yearbook. LEO'S PAGER GOES OFF, AND HE LOOKS AT IT. LEO I have to go. GRACE What? We still have to practice. LEO (thick sarcasm) Okay Grace. Sorry Mrs. Leiberson, you'll have to hold in your nine-and-a half month baby a little longer while I learn why Grace hates mauve nail polish. GRACE This means a lot to me! And mauve is ugly. LEO IS AT THE DOOR. LEO Let's just go and have a good time. If we win, we win, if we lose we l-. GRACE GASPS AT THE "L-WORD", COVERING HIS MOUTH AND HERS. LEO LEAVES. CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE E INT. NEWLYWED STUDIO (BACKSTAGE) - LATER (N-1) (GRACE, WILL, STAGE MANAGER) GRACE IS BY HERSELF PACING BACK AND FORTH, LOOKING AT HER WATCH. WILL RUSHES IN WITH A DRESS IN HAND. GRACE (frantically grabs Will by the front of his coat) Where's Leo? WILL Not here? GRACE (breaks down and sobs on Will's shoulder) We got in a big fight. WILL About? GRACE Mauve toenail polish. WILL Grace, that color really doesn't go with your skin tone. GRACE I just wanted to show everyone how perfect my life is. (BLOWS HER NOSE IN THE DRESS WILL IS HOLDING) WILL Gracie... GRACE (noticing the dress) What's this? WILL You left your "World, envy me" dress at my place. GRACE Oh Will, that's so sweet. GRACE KISSES WILL ON THE CHEEK AND THEY HOLD EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT. THE STAGE MANAGER WALKS BY AND SEES THEM. STAGE MANAGER You two must be the other newlyweds. You're on in five minutes. THE STAGE MANAGER LEAVES. WILL Oh, we're not - GRACE - ready? Sure we are. WILL Grace! GRACE Will, this is perfect, you have to fill in. WILL I can't. A lesbo is expecting this hetero Uptown in half an hour. GRACE Will... WILL Who would I find at this hour to replace me? CUT TO: ACT ONE SCENE F INT. WILL'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER (N-1) (JACK) JACK IS PRACTICING A DANCE ROUTINE IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. JACK Shoulders apart, McFarland. Love the chest. Love the tush. THE PHONE RINGS. JACK PICKS UP. JACK (CONT'D) Jack 2003... I'm busy Will, I need to practice for call-backs... An acting job?! Tell me more... Ooh, I'd love you help you, but I just got into the Film Actor's Guild, so I can't do any non-FAG work. Besides, I usually charge $200 an hour for that type of service... (PERKS UP) Really? Well could I wear your "straight" jacket?... Yay! This will be so fun! Oh, and just so you know, I'm wearing your satin CK boxers. Toodles. JACK QUICKLY HANGS UP THE PHONE. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE G INT. NEWLYWED STUDIO (BACKSTAGE) - EVENING (N-1) (KAREN, LEO, STAGE MANAGER) KAREN IS WANDERING AROUND BACKSTAGE, CLEARLY UNDER THE INFLUENCE AND DAZED. LEO RUSHES IN. KAREN Wait a minute. Aren't you (BEAT) Aren't you Grace's Husband? LEO Where's Grace? KAREN On-stage, with her gay mistress. I came to watch her make an ass of herself. LEO I can't believe she went on without me. She must be mad. KAREN She sure is. LEO What? Did she say anything to you? What did she say?! KAREN Stop shouting at me! THE STAGE MANAGER WALKS BY. STAGE MANAGER You two must be the last newlyweds. Hurry up on-stage, we start any minute. LEO She's not my wife. KAREN Listen how he treats me! STAGE MANAGER (dragging the couple) Save it for the show. CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE H INT. NEWLYWED STUDIO (ON-STAGE) - EVENING (N-1) (WILL, GRACE, KAREN, LEO, NED, STACY, ANNOUNCER) WILL & GRACE, KAREN & LEO, NED & STACY ARE EACH IN THEIR LOVE-SEATS ON-STAGE. NED & STACY ARE AN OBNOXIOUSLY CUTE COUPLE WEARING MATCHING SWEATSHIRTS. ANNOUNCER Welcome back. We're about to start the "Challenge Round", where couples get to quiz other couples with questions about their spouses. Ned, Stacy, you're the leading couple, you get to challenge. STACY This question goes to the Beaverhousen couple. Anastasia, what is your husband's favorite pastime? LEO SCRIBBLES DOWN AN ANSWER ON HIS ANSWER CARD. KAREN I don't know... riding his horse? LEO HOLDS UP HIS CARD. ANNOUNCER Aww, "making love to his wife." KAREN Did I not say that? Riding his horse, does that not count? ANNOUNCER Anastasia, your turn to give a question to another couple. KAREN This is for Grace... If your assistant started hitting on your husband, while you were at work, would you just watch, or join in? (STARTS TICKLING LEO) Huh? What would you do? Huh? GRACE I'd call her AA support group. ANNOUNCER (reading Will's card) "Call her AA support group"? That's correct, I guess. Grace, your turn. GRACE Yes, this goes to Mr. Beaverhousen. What is your wife's pet peeve? LEO (sullen) People who come late to appointments. ANNOUNCER (reading Karen's card) Oh, so close - actually, it's "guys that come too soon". (BEAT) On that note, we'll take a quick commercial break. But don't go anywhere. THE COUPLES GET UP. GRACE AND LEO GO TO EACH OTHER. GRACE You're late. LEO (pointing to Will) Well apparently you didn't need me at all. I didn't know you had my replacement picked out all along. GRACE I had no choice. But at least he pays attention to the little details that make me so special. LEO Well why don't you marry him? GRACE Oh that is so second grade! GRACE THEN FLICKS LEO IN THE HEAD. LEO PAUSES, AND THEN FLICKS GRACE BACK. GRACE IMMEDIATELY RE-FLICKS. LEO You always have to be the winner at everything, don't you? GRACE I happen to have natural competitive talent. LEO Yeah, well so do I. And just so you know, I let you win at Scrabble. GRACE Oh yeah? Well you can just put a tripple-word-score on B - O - N - V - voyage, cause we're gonna win the cruise. LEO Not if the Beaverhousen's have anything to say about it! (TO KAREN) C'mon honey. KAREN IS SNUGGLED AGAINST A VELVET-WALL, FEELING IT WITH HER FINGERS. CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE I INT. HOTEL DINNER PARTY - EVENING (N-1) (JACK, ANGELINA, DAD, MOM) ANGELINA IS STANDING NEXT TO HER MOM AND DAD. JACK ENTERS WEARING VERY "STRAIGHT", NON-JACK ATTIRE. JACK (to random guests, in a deep "dude" voice) Hey, wassup. How you doin. Did you check out the Knicks - they killed! Hey Angie! Come give your sugar daddy some love. ANGELINA GOES TO JACK ANGELINA (whispering to Jack) What are you doing? JACK Will's out. I'm in. Don't disrupt me while I'm in character. Everything will be fine - (HER PARENTS APPROACH) Hi! DAD Dan, nice to finally meet you. MOM We've heard so - little - about you. DAD So Angie tells me you do construction? JACK Construction workers - er , yes (BACK TO DUDE VOICE) construction work. Well, since I was a kid, I always liked to play with wood. MOM Your hands are remarkably smooth! It's like they've never had to do a day of work in their life. JACK (grabbing MOM's hands) Secret tip: Neutrogena in the morning, Dove silk at night. In two weeks, they'll be smooth and tight as Alec Baldwin's ass in a - ANGELINA Excuse us. ANGELINA YANKS JACK AWAY. ANGELINA (CONT'D) I'm am going to kill Will. And then I'm going to kill you. JACK Now calm down there mister sister. Let's take a second to get our panties out of a bunch. (JACK ADJUSTS HIMSELF) There. ANGELINA Oh my God, what was I thinking? This is never going to work. Your whole body screams "gay sex". JACK It does not. A CUTE WAITER WALKS BY AND STUFFS A PIECE OF PAPER IN JACK'S POCKET. WAITER Call me sometime. JACK (MOMENTARILY HYPNOTIZED) Will do... (SNAPS BACK) As an actor I am offended that you doubt my talent. I can keep a "straight" face. And if there's one thing I am good at, it's fondling the parents - handling the parents, okay? By the end of the night they will be smitten with this kitten. JACK GOES BACK TO MOM AND DAD, WHO ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION. DAD ... it's beautiful this time of year. And there's great fishing. JACK (IN DUDE VOICE) Oh, fishing's great. Nothing like reeling in a nice two-foot'er. DAD Oh I know! The fresh salty air... Just sitting alone, with your rod in your hand, no-one to bother you... JACK (smiling) Hmm. DAD You a catch-n-release kinda guy? JACK Only for the ugly ones! JACK AND THE DAD BEGIN TO LAUGH, BUT THEN THE DAD STOPS, REALIZING HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE JOKE. JACK IS TURNED TO ANGELINA, AND WINKS "SEE, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE." JACK THEN NOTICES THE TABLE SETTINGS. JACK (CONT'D) (normal voice) Heaven's to Betsy, these doilies are to die for! CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE J INT. NEWLYWED STUDIO - EVENING (N-1) (GRACE, WILL, LEO, KAREN, ANNOUNCER) WILL AND GRACE ARE BACK-TO-BACK. WILL CAN SEE LEO AND KAREN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE. ANNOUNCER Okay, we're back. Right now our top couples are Ned & Stacy, and Leo & Grace. Leo & Grace, get ready for the lightning round - Leo, we're going to ask you questions about Grace and your relationship. You keep guessing till you get it right, 5 points for each right answer. Grace, don't be afraid to give him a bonk for the wrong answers. WE SEE GRACE HAS A GIANT FOAM MALLET IN HER HAND THAT SHE CAN LIFT OVER HER HEAD TO HIT WILL BEHIND HER. ANNOUNCER (CONT'D) 60 seconds on the clock. First question: What is Grace's most embarrassing moment? WILL Oh! The time when the Barney's clerk stopped her for stealing a bra, and she had to prove her innocence by showing she wasn't wearing one. ANNOUNCER Incorrect. WILL No? Uh, uh... When she entered a cake-eating contest on a date, and had to have her stomach pumped? GRACE BONKS WILL ON THE HEAD. ANNOUNCER (laughing) No, keep trying. LEO AND KAREN ARE WATCHING THIS FROM OFFSTAGE. KAREN They are really choking up there. LEO Yeah. LEO CAN SEE GRACE'S FACE BECOME FLUSTERED. WILL Oh! When a nun caught her pretending to fondle a statue in downtown Rome. ANNOUNCER Keep trying. LEO HAS MOVED TO WHERE WILL CAN EASILY SEE HIM. LEO STARTS MOTIONING TO WILL, WHO IS DECIPHERING LEO'S SIGNALS. WILL Oh, when Grace accidently gave a hundred dollar bill for donation at church. ANNOUNCER Correct! And she was too embarrassed to take it back. WILL Actually, not only did she take it back, she then - GRACE BONKS WILL. ANNOUNCER Next question: How many kids is too many kids? WILL Uh... WILL SEES LEO STICK UP FOUR FINGERS WILL (CONT'D) Four? ANNOUNCER Right! If your kid could be world champion in any sport, what would it be? WILL Geez uh... LEO JUMPS UP AND DOWN WHIPPING HIS HAND IN THE AIR WILL (CONT'D) A gay parade marshal? A master jump roper? A horse jockey! ANNOUNCER Right again. If you two could have a summer home anywhere in the states, where would it be? LEO PRETENDS TO FALL ASLEEP. WILL Vermont! ANNOUNCER Yes! What's the weirdest place you've "made whoopee"? LEO STICKS HIS HANDS TOGETHER, AND SPREADS THEM APART. WILL On a gynecology table?! LEO SHAKES HIS HEAD, THEN ACTS STIFF, AND LEANS SIDEWAYS. WILL (CONT'D) On top of a dead patient?! ANNOUNCER Hey, this is a family show. LEO MIMICS TYPING, AND THEN SWEEPS HIS RIGHT HAND ACROSS THE AIR. WILL Oh no! Not Will's mahogany work desk! ANNOUNCER Yes! Final question: If Grace could change anything about herself, what would it be? WILL Oh. Her giant canoe-feet! GRACE REACHES OVER AND SMACKS WILL IN THE HEAD. ANNOUNCER Nope. WILL LOOKS AT LEO, WHO SHRUGS AND HAS NO SUGGESTION. WILL Her hairy man-knuckles? AGAIN, WILL DUCKS AS GRACE REACHES TO HIT HIM. ANNOUNCER Wrong again. WILL (looking at Leo, realizes and slows down) Oh... Nothing... My Gracie has everything she wants. ANNOUNCER Yes! Good answer. That's 30 points for this round... GRACE GETS OUT OF HER SEAT TO TURN AROUND AND HUG WILL. HALF WAY THROUGH THE HUG, SHE GRABS HIM BY THE EAR. WILL Ow! GRACE Wilma Truman, if you ever pull a stunt like that again. WILL What? I did my best. Look we're in first place. Unless the next couple gets 50 points, we'll win. NED AND STACY GO TO THE STAGE IN A CONGA LINE. NED & STACY (singing) S - U - C - C - E - S - S. That's the way you spell success. KAREN V - I - K - A - D - I - N. That's the way you - what was I spelling? CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE K INT. HOTEL DINNER PARTY - EVENING (N-1) (JACK, ANGELINA, DAD, MOM, JOE, SUE) JACK AND ANGELINA'S DAD ARE ON THE STAGE, HOLDING MICROPHONES. A PIANO PLAYER IS ON THE PIANO IN THE BACKGROUND, PLAYING SONNY & CHER'S "I GOT YOU BABE". JACK This is a little something I've been working on. It's called "Just Dan." ANGELINA (to herself) Just shoot me. JACK (NOW SINGING) They say we're young / and we don't know. / We won't find out / until we grow. / DAD Well I don't know / if all that's true / 'Cause you got me / and baby I got you. / JACK & DAD I got you babe... THEY CONTINUE TO SING IN THE BACKGROUND. ANGELINA IS IN THE CROWD WITH HER MOM. MOM Angie, you know you don't have to hide anything from us. ANGELINA What? MOM You know, if there's anything important you want to come out and tell us. ANGELINA So you know? About Jack and - MOM We started to put everything together. (BEAT) My babie... (AND THEN) Is getting married! MOM HUGS ANGELINA WITH EXCITEMENT. ANGELINA Mom, I am not marrying Jack. MOM Of course you are. What would you raise the baby alone? ANGELINA The baby? I - MOM Don't be mad at Jack for telling us. ANGELINA What?! Mom, you don't understand. We're not getting married, I'm not preg- MOM And be a single mother? Don't be ridiculous. Imagine what our friends would think. ANGELINA Yeah. (BEAT) Mom, we really have to talk. MOM Oh, I want you to meet our friends, Joe and Sue Anderson. JOE AND SUE SEE ANGELINA AND SHAKE HER HAND. JOE Congratulations. We just heard. SUE You really have yourself a man there. Dan seems like such a sweet, sensitive guy. Isn't it funny, we use the same hair stylist? JACK STOPS THE MUSIC. JACK I'd like to make a dedication to my darling girlfriend... (BEAT) ANGELINA Angelina. JACK Angelina. (BARBARA STREISAND'S "WOMAN IN LOVE" IS PLAYED IN THE BACKGROUND) Life is a moment in space / When the dream is gone/ It's a lonelier place / I kiss the morning good-bye... SUE He's so talented, where did you find him? ANGELINA Oh it's all such a blur. (BEAT) So, let's talk about politics or something. What do you think about the upcoming elections? JOE Can you believe Dale Jenkins running for senator. He wants to legalize gays adopting children. MOM What's this world coming to? SUE Next we'll have a gay president. ANGELINA I'm gay. EVERYONE NEARBY IS SILENT. ANGELINA GETS ON-STAGE AND GRABS THE MICROPHONE FROM JACK. ANGELINA (CONT'D) (into the microphone) I'm gay. THE CROWD GASPS WITH SHOCK. JACK But I loved you! ANGELINA And this isn't my boyfriend. He's gay too. THE CROWD MURMURS "YEAH OKAY, THAT FIGURES." CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE L INT. NEWLYWED STUDIO (OFFSTAGE) - EVENING (N-1) ( GRACE, WILL, LEO, GRACE, EXTRAS ) WILL I'm sorry we didn't win. GRACE It's okay. I guess we weren't as joined at the hip as Ned & Stacy. I kinda like the second prize just as much. WILL Did you really need two nights stay at the Waldorf downtown? GRACE Best breakfast buffet in the upper EastSide. WILL Ah. You know I didn't answer those questions. Leo was coaching all the answers. GRACE What? (BEAT) Oh. WILL WALKS AWAY AND GRACE GOES TO LEO. GRACE (CONT'D) Hey. LEO Ned & Stacy were really joined at the hip huh? GRACE Yeah. LEO Look, Grace, I'm - GRACE GRABS LEO AND KISSES HIM. WILL AND KAREN LEAVE. KAREN So young and in love. KAREN LOOKS AT WILL AFFECTIONATELY. WILL Don't even think about it. FADE TO BLACK. END OF ACT TWO TAG SCENE M INT. HOTEL DINNER PARTY - EVENING (N-1) (JACK, DAD, ANGELINA) JACK AND THE DAD ARE PLAYING ON THE PIANO. ANGELINA APPROACHES HER FATHER. ANGELINA Are you mad? DAD No. But Mom's gonna need some time to recover. She hasn't been this upset since she understood the lyrics to "It's raining men". DAD PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ANGELINA, AND THEY WALK OFF. JACK BEGINS HUMMING "IT'S RAINING MEN" AS HE PLAYS IT ON THE PIANO. END SHOW